


you hold it in your hands

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M, Not Beta Read, Possibly Unrequited Love, a bit of pining with some character study on the side
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27234592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Oh, Nate thinks helplessly, his heart beating hard against the medal resting on his chest.Oh, I think I'm in trouble.
Relationships: Nathan Chen/Dmitri Aliev
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	you hold it in your hands

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited about this one, even though it's definitely not perfect, but it's the first time in quite a few weeks when I enjoyed writing so much!  
> Title from 'Snake Eyes' by Mumford & Sons.

Nate enters the arena with a spring in his step, head bobbing slightly to the upbeat song drumming in his ears, his big headphones helping him create a comfortable bubble that helps him to stay focused and calm, pushing all the pre-competition stress somewhere deep inside him, and he hopes it will stay this way. It's not that easy, though, because he knows what's expected of him, and he knows that it's all within his reach, but even his trust in his own abilities doesn't let him mute all the little doubting voices inside his head telling him that maybe this time he won't be enough.

Nate shakes his head and clicks his tongue, annoyed with himself. He doesn't like to be like that, he prefers to get his shit together and push forward, to find the solution and do his best. So when he gets to the warm up area he peels his jacket off and changes the playlist, switching a soft Mumford & Sons song for something more energetic. He starts jogging around the room slowly, head hanging down as he lets his thoughts drift to the last bits of his homework sttuffed somewhere in the bottom of his backpack. He cringes a little, annoyed that he hasn't dealt with it on the plane, and he's so occupied that when he makes a sudden turn and crashes into somone, he wobbles and lets out a startled screech, jumping back.

"Sor- oh hi!" he exclaims, probably way too loudly, and takes his headphones off, a big smile forming on his lips "Uh, sorry for that, I didn't see you."

"No worry." Dima smiles, shrugging a little like is used to "Hi, Nate."

Dima still speaks his name the same way as always, like he's singing, and Nate chuckles shortly before stepping closer for a quick hug.

"It's good to see you."

Dima nods, and even though he doesn't say anything, Nate feels that he shares the same sentiment. But there is no time to catch up now, because they're both here for a reason, and they both need to focus. So they share one more smile before parting their ways in silence, each of them turning to the separate corner, but Nate's head is free of chemistry homework, his thoughts coming back to the ancounter from just a minute before.

He has many friends in the skating world, and with some he's definitely closer than with Dima. But he remembers it well, the summer shows of 2018 when they got to know each other for real after years of rusty chit chats during competitions, and Nate recalls the feeling of understanding and ease that could pass any language barrier. It was a cool time and Nate thinks of it with nostalgia, about those couple of weeks when he was free, free of attention weighing on him during olympics and not exactly realizing that next season would be the beginning of something entirely new, and that his life would never really be the same again.

They were like kids during vacations by the sea, Nate thinks with some kind of melancholy, glancing across the room. Getting along after a second, laughing and building sand castles, and when the moment to part came, they carried the memories like a ray of a warm summer sun.

Because it all blurred with time, just a bit, fond feelings remaining but time and distance taking their toll. Nate knows that this is how things go, but as he watches Dima talking with his coach on the other side of the room, he misses that summer even more than before. He hopes he's not being creppy, but he can't stop looking, and trying to find something that would differ from his memories.

Dima looks serious today, focused, with his jaw set and eyes so determined they're almost shining. He had a rough season before, Nate recalls, and maybe that's why he seems a bit rougher around the edges, tougher, older.

And Nate gets it. It's a demanding life they're living, and they're all set to change, facing the mountain of expectations and hopes, reality that they're sometimes not really prepared for. But the reality is that Nate is here to win, and despite feeling strong he knows he doesn't have it in his pocket, so he shuts everything down and focuses only on himself.

"Fix the axel." is all Rafael says when Nate skates to the board after his run through, and Nate nods, reaching for his bottle to have a sip before speaking.

"I know, I will try a couple of times."

Rafael nods and then turns to wave at Michal, clearly having something to tell him as well, so Nate takes it as a dismissal and skates away. His right leg feels a bit stiff, and he tries to shake it off when the first notes of the next song start, and somehow he knows who that is before he even looks up.

Dima always had this captivating quality in his skating, even when they were both still juniors. But now it's even more visible, so many emotions poured into every move even though it's just a run through, but just like that Dima becomes one with the music he skates to, with ease Nate almost envies.

He doesn't realize he has stopped until Keegan pats his shoulder lightly as he skates by, throwing him a gentle smile, and Nate finds himself rooted to the spot and outright gawking. He feels the tips of his ears burning and he quickly moves, almost afraid to look back and check if Rafael noticed his little moment of distraction. But he can't focus, not really, not until the song ends and Nate raises his head to see Dima struck the final pose, and his heart aches, just for a second, a sharp pang of pain he quickly blames on exhaustion.

"Cool music." he tells Dima as they leave the ice, and that earns him that warm, melancholic smile he realizes he has kind of missed.

"Your is beautiful." Dima says, a little breathless, and Nate can't believe he feels heat creeping up his neck again.

"Thanks." he mutters, and suddenly he feels awkward, which is odd and terrifying because he hasn't felt awkward in ages, so he smiles one more time before quickening his pace to catch up with Michal and cover his feelings with bad jokes about the city of sin that earn him a few amused snorts and take his mind off of the fact that something about him is entirely different than just an hour before.

It's always nice to win at home.

There's a certain kind of feel to that, satisfcation and pride bubbling inside his chest warmly, tickling and making him almost giddy. But he makes sure the only thing showing on his face is a simple pleased smile, the one he had to master in a record time back in the day.

He enters the ice in a pleasing fog of happiness, and when he sets his eyes on the podium, his heart stutters with how glad he is he can share it with these two guys. He bows a couple of times before he moves forward, and he can't look away from the familiar silhouette dressed in black, and these few seconds put him on the edge of disaster. He miscalcutes and skates right into the carpet, and only his exceptionally good balance saves him from total humiliation. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Dima making a move as if he wants to reach out to steady him even though he stands way too far, and Nate is too busy playing it cool for the public to pay much attention to that.

It's only a few minutes later, when they're posing with their medals, Jason babbling excitedly on his right, and Nate smiles at him, suddenly feeling tired, the lights too bright and the crowd so loud it's almost jarring. He swallows hard and wraps his fingers around the flowers tightly, probably crushing some of the thinner stalks.

And then he turns his head and looks at Dima, who seems a bit awkward and overwhelmed, golden lights of the arena dancing in his eyes, shimmering like stars on the surface of a lake.

He looks calm, lost in thought, and a little bit lonely.

_Oh_ , Nate thinks helplessly, his heart beating hard against the medal resting on his chest. _Oh, I think I'm in trouble._

* * *

The thing is, Nate isn't into guys.

Of course, he can appreciate someone's talent and good looks, but he never felt any kind of deeper attraction that is keeping him awake now. He winces as he rubs his chest before reaching for his phone to check the hour, and he groans in frustration when he sees how little time he has until his alarm rings. But he's tired of sleepless nights and tossing in his bed, so he decides just to be honest with himself, like he's used to be.

Somehow, it doesn't feel like a big revelation. He just takes it as a fact, calm and steady, that he has feelings for Dima. That his heart skips a beat and flutters and clenches everytime Nate thinks of him, of gentle brown eyes and melancholic smile.

Nate's heart aches, and he rolls on his stomach, letting a tired sigh against the pillow.

This is hopeless and he knows it, and he doesn't really want it. His life is already busy and full of goals and expectations, and he doesn't need a crush on one of his friends, he really doesn't. But at the same time he can't help but imagine all the stupid what if scenarios that he knows won't bring him anything good.

There is a world in between, and two such different backgrounds Nate doesn't even want to dive into that any deeper, heart going crazy inside his chest anyway.

He had to give up so many things already, he's pretty sure he can deal with that one too.

* * *

Nate's a little anxious when he walks to the press conference, but he's sure to hide it behind his casual smile. And he gets just what he expects, and he tries to speak from the heart when he answers, but deep inside he knows for some people he will never be enough no matter how hard he tries, how well he performs and how many nice words he speaks. But to be honest, the main thing on his mind is that he wishes for someone else to be sitting on his side. He likes Kevin, truly, but his damn foolish heart still wants what it wants, and that has been more and more palpable during the last couple of days.

They have barely seen each other during this event, if not counting warm-ups and brief encounters in locker rooms. Nate didn't watch other competitors, but he saw the final scores and his heart stuttered unpleasantly, realizing that something bad must have happened. But this is how things are and he mutes everything out for the sake of the media, smiles and says all the things he should, and he's damn relieved when he steps into the corridor later, taking first deep breath in quite some time.

Nate's ready to admit that he's a little tipsy. But there's really no one to police him, Evan and Madi busy keeping an eye on the juniors, and well, Italy's law is less barbaric than the American one so Nate's a true adult here, legally speaking. So when someone pushes a third glass of wine into his hands he doesn't oppose and takes a sip. He feels odd, tired and energized at once, and he can't really find his place, even though he usually enjoys banquets a lot. Because yet again, it's too loud and too flashy, and Nate feels almost guilty for not feeling as excited as he should. There is a voice inside his head, strange and anxious, telling him that he can't be happy when he doesn't have all he wants, and Nate gulps on his drink again, annoyed and helpless against his own feelings.

But even champions have a right to be a little nostalgic, don't they?

He downs his drink and regrests it immediately, managing to hold in embarassing cough, and he doesn't have time to consider a refill because he thinks he sees a familiar silhouette leaving the room, shoulders hunched and steps slow, and Nate stands up before he can think about it.

"Hey!" he calls out when they're both in the corridor, his voice resonating too loud to drown in the music flowing from the ballroom.

Dima stops and turns around slowly, a small smile growing on his lips as he silently waits for Nate to close the distance between them. And Nate's heart is stuttering foolishly, but he can't help it, and he can't control his expression anymore, and he wonders what exactly Dima is seeing now.

"I, uhm, I haven't seen you." Nate says, swallowing hard "Are you-" he stutters, and Dima smiles, tilting his head to the side a little.

"Congratuliations for the win, Nate." he says, soft and musical, and Nate's breathing hitches.

"Are you okay?" he asks and there's a shadow running through Dima's eyes, a certain kind of sadness lingering in his gaze as he looks straight at Nate.

"I'm fine." he says softly, and Nate should know better, but he's a little tipsy and he feels too much, and he can't help himself.

"Do you- can I-" he fumbles with words, not able to voice what he knows is a terrible idea "Do you think-"

"Nathan." Dima cuts him off with a word spoken so quietly Nate can barely hear it, and for a moment they just look at each other, and Nate's ears are filled with the sound of his own ragged heartbeat.

He waits for something, he's not sure what, his whole body tense with anticipation and his slightly dazed mind clearing up for just a moment.

And then Dima sighs, and suddenly looks old beyond his years, and tired to the bone. He doesn't say anything, just reaches out to take Nate's hand, squeezing his fingers tightly as he shakes his head, and Nate's stomach drops.

They don't say goodnight, and they don't share a goodbye. Just a weak smile and silence, and Nate doesn't stick around to watch Dima walk away. He turns around and goes back to the ballroom, and thinks that as always, he's going to be okay.

Skating is also about acting, isn't it?   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
